When you’re expecting a baby, you know there are big changes coming. You know you’re going to have to go from being your independent I.D.G.A.F. self to a nurturer, to caring about something other than yourself, to putting yourself last. But there are some things you had no idea you would become.
- The holder of all things. Let me give you an example. Not long ago, we were headed to a hockey game and had to park about three blocks away. Before we left, Oliver picked out all the stuff he needed, and I told him if he brings it, he’s carrying it. So, we get there, I got out of the truck, unloaded my kid, and grabbed my purse (because you know…moms need shit too), and then I looked down. Oliver had his backpack, but didn’t want to carry it. So…mommy threw on the, three sizes too small for mommy, Spiderman backpack. Okay cool, got my purse, got the backpack, ready to go. NOT. He was carrying his blankie (in case he gets cold), his monkey (because monkeys like hockey too), and his sippy cup (in case he didn’t like the cup they give him at the concession stand). Oh, and a dum dum sucker. He said he was too hot, and monkey needed a nap, so mommy got to also hold the monkey, wrapped in the blankie. Okay, ready to go. We get about a block, and he looks up and me and says, “Mommy, hold this.” Okay, sippy cup is going in the backpack. We pause for a minute for me to get situated again as he unwraps his sucker. Then, his little hand comes up in the air, celebrating that he got the wrapper off all by himself. Guess who gets to hold the wrapper??!! Yup, you guessed it. Mommy. So by this time, mommy now has mommy’s purse, Oliver’s Spiderman backpack, the blankie, the monkey, the sippy cup, aaaand the wrapper to the dum dum sucker. Oliver has the dum dum sucker. Cool. You might be asking yourself, “What the hell did she actually have IN the backpack?” Well, let me tell you. Wipes. Pull-ups. A hoody sweatshirt. Some matchbox cars. And a talking hamster… So anyway, as we approach the last block, we pause to wait to cross the street. In my mind, I’m thinking, “Almost there. You only have two hands, but you’re rocking this shit.” Then, he looks up with his big blue eyes and raises his sticky hands. “Mommy, hold me.” [Fuuuuccccccckkkk.] How do I say no to that? Oliver: 371. Mommy: 0.
- The tech wizard. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The horrific cries and tantrums that come along with the words, “Mommy, it’s not working!!!!!” And it’s not just with the kids. It’s with my husband too. If the light burns out, the tablet won’t load, my husband’s phone won’t update, or hell, even if the stupid talking dog stops talking for a second… “MOMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!” You wanna know what my go-to is for these situations? One of two remarks: 1. Ask daddy for new batteries. Ha! Score for mommy. Pin it on daddy! 2. Have you tried to turn it off and back on? Yup, tech wizard right here. I don’t know why, but I think that turning anything off magically resets it…even though that’s probably not how it works.
- The quickest sex-haver EVER. I’m kind of amazing at this. It seems like every time my husband is in “the mood,” it’s early in the morning, when my breath stinks, my hair is a mess, I have to pee, and it’s five flippin’ minutes before the kids are going to wake up. So what do I do? That’s right. Roll over and take it. Why do I roll over? Ohhh, because I’m smart. If the kids do, in fact, wake up, it looks like mommy and daddy are spooning. Annnnd, what guy doesn’t like it from behind? That’s what makes it so quick. (And me saying, “Hurry up babe, I just heard the kids.”) Let’s be honest here. Yes, I do like sex. Yes, I do love my husband. But 6:55am isn’t exactly my cup of tea. Most mornings I would tell you not to even approach me, let alone look at me, until I have had a Blueberry RedBull and a cigarette. Then, tread lightly, my friend. So, when you’re sleeping after the kids are in bed and mommy’s had a few cocktails and ready to go…you better wake your ass up and get it. Otherwise, you’re gonna get the 6:55am, Guinness Book of World Records, quickest, grumpiest sex-haver ever. And no, that doesn’t include a blow job.
- The master of because. That might be one of the best words ever invented (other than alpaca). It seriously answers everything. From the kids: “Why are you doing that Mommy?” Because. “Why do I have to sleep in my own bed?” Because. “Why do I have to go to daycare?” Because. “Why can’t I have cookies for dinner?” Because. AND, also from the husband: “Why can’t we have sex right now? Because. “Why do I have to go?” Because. “Why can’t I have cookies for dinner with the kids?” Because… Seriously, it’s the best. If you haven’t tried it yet, you should. No explanation needed? Why? Because. You’re the boss!
- Super-freaking-woman. This one is probably my favorite. I debated calling it a unicorn, because that’s awesome too, but it’s kind of a mixture. To your kids, you are the only person who can heal a booboo in one single kiss. The only one who can snuggle just right when they’re sick. The only one who knew them before they were even born. The only one who carried them for nine whole months without ever putting them down. The one who knows where every scrape, scar, or bruise came from. You are their person. Plain and simple. And while sometimes, you might want a break from being that person…you know that no one can make your kids feel the way mommy does. So, as super-freaking-woman/unicorn, you work, you cook, you clean, you provide, you play, you heal, you comfort, you love…you do it all. And though they may not always show it, YOU are a true super hero to your children.
You may have never thought about all these powers you now have, or all the new titles you’ve gained after becoming a mommy. But you should be damn proud of each one. Or maybe you have thought about it, but didn’t realize how much they really mean. Well, now you know. You’re welcome.
Stay tuned for my next article: Five things you ALSO become when you become a daddy.