What do you say when you don’t know what to say?

You can’t escape your own mind. You’re frozen in time. In this very moment. There’s nothing you can do to make it slow down. There’s nothing you can do to make it go faster. You’re just stuck. Right here. Right now.

She is sitting in front of you, sobbing, and you try desperately to think of what to say. Thoughts run through your head but they’re too painful to put into words. So they just circle, round and round. You feel dizzy. You open your mouth, but no words come out. So you sit there in silence and feel the pain. Your pain. Her pain. Every time it circles around, it haunts you.

What do you feel when you don’t know what to feel?
You feel anger. You feel sadness. You’re so anxious and fidgety and you can’t get it to stop. Every time you hear a noise, you jump. You can’t control it. You know someone is lurking. Watching. Waiting for you to fuck up. Waiting for you to misstep. But on the outside, you have to be strong…for her. You have to smile. You have to hide the tears that are so desperate to come out. You have to comfort her. You have to show her that life is worth living.

How do you help someone when you can’t even help yourself?
You’re struggling to catch your breath, and you feel like you’re stuck under water. You are drowning. You reach for her. You want to save her. She’s drowning with you. You can see her struggling to keep her head above water. And you can’t save yourself fast enough to save her too. One of you will die. But who will it be? It’s your job to protect her. Do you save yourself or do you hand her the life vest so she can live on?

Then you realize.
You see your reflection in the water and she stares back at you. She is you. And you are her. She is your past. And you are the here and now. She is your anxiety. You are your safe place. She is your depression. You are your happiness. And in order to live, you have to let her go. You have to make the decision that she will no longer define who you are.

You kiss her goodbye and watch her sink. And finally, you can cry. Finally, you can feel. Finally you can speak. You are no longer the definition of her. And she no longer defines you. She is gone along with the monster that lives inside of you. You can breathe. You chose to live. Thank god, you chose to live.


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