Life sucks sometimes. We’ve been going through these phases. You know what I’m talking about… where we don’t know what to talk to each other about. We work all day, come home and do our daily chores, get the kids to bed, and sit in front of the TV in silence. The air feels thick, and there’s something on each of our minds that neither of us want to talk about. We are zombies, going through the motions of day-to-day life. We lose our connection. And sometimes it takes us a while to find it again.
When nothing goes my way, I find myself thinking back to a few years ago. Back to when life was easy. When life was fun. Back when all I could think about was how much I loved you. And sometimes I find myself wondering…what if we had done things differently? What if we would have waited until we were out of debt to have kids? What if we had found a nicer house to start our life together? What if we hadn’t gotten a second dog? What if?
The kiddos get sick and crabby, and sometimes we are at our wits end trying to make them feel better. We get irritated at each other for not taking out the trash, or argue over who changed the last dirty diaper. I question you when you’re out too late on bowling night, and you question me when I’m late getting home from work. The dogs constantly need a bath because they’re always rolling in the yard. There’s always laundry to be done, lawns to be mowed, and kids to be fed. It’s not the “happily ever after” they talk about in the movies.
Then I realize…this is OUR happily ever after. Had we done things differently, we wouldn’t be here… stuck in a rut together. I wouldn’t be able to cheer you up when you get frustrated about money. You wouldn’t be here to make me leave the house when I want to lock myself inside like a hermit. We wouldn’t be making spaghettios and grilled cheese together because it’s the day before payday and we haven’t been to the store. We wouldn’t have our kids to put a smile on our faces at the end of a shitty day.
And even though life can be tough and our marriage goes through its ups and downs, this is everything I wanted. I wanted to experience it all with you. And as time goes on, I’m gonna want you even more.
I am going to want you to tell me it’s okay when we send our son off to his first day of school. I’m gonna want you to stop my worrying when the kids move away to college. I’m gonna want to watch you as you proudly walk Madison down the aisle, and want to be there waiting for you after you give her away. I’m gonna want your shoulder to cry on when Oliver finds a wife and no longer needs his mama. I’m gonna want you to remind me that I’m still young when Madison tells me I’m going to be a grandma. I’m gonna want to spoil our grandkids…with you.
I’m gonna want to sit at football games with you when our kids get older. I’m gonna want to travel with you when we can afford it again. I’m gonna want to retire and grow old with you. There are so many things that I want, and I want to do them all with you. Without you, I wouldn’t be me.
We knew having a family would be hard, but we also knew how rewarding it could be at the same time. Sometimes we forget to focus on the rewarding part. We are so blessed…we have two amazing kids and two sweet puppy dogs; we have a place to call home; and most of all, we have each other. And that’s all we really need. So yes, we might be in a weird phase of life, a rut…but there’s nowhere else I would rather be. I’m glad I’m here with you.