Holy Lice Patrol!!


I was driving to work yesterday, jammin’ out to some Deanna Carter, and I got a call. My husband never calls me in the morning, so I knew something was up. “I’ve got some bad news, and I’m sorry to ruin your day,” he said. “Madison’s been sent home from school. She has lice. There’s been an outbreak at school, and she caught it.”

WTF! Slam on the breaks and shit myself – she has fucking LICE? Our kid is the dirty kid in class? No… no fucking way. Then I start to itch. Holy shit, do I have lice? All of a sudden, I can feel creepy crawlies all over my skin – and my hair. OMG it’s in my hair. How am I going to get this out?? What about the baby? What about the house? Our house is covered in LICE!

I hung up the phone after having a meltdown to my husband, composed myself, and drove the rest of the way to work. But I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I pulled up the old trusty Google and starting looking. How do I get rid of this shit? What if I caught it? How can I treat my baby since he’s too young for all the chemicals? So many questions, and I felt like the longer I took to find answers, the more the lice were multiplying.

I found what I needed, got some work done, and headed home early. We sat in the kitchen, putting nasty chemicals in our hair and picking at each other’s heads like monkeys. Have you ever used one of those teeny tiny lice combs? What a joke! And now my hair smells like RAID. Cool….

But phew – no bugs on me. Then we washed EVERYTHING! I mean everything, even the dog’s toys. We bagged it all, sprayed it down, wiped it, disinfected…Pretty sure lice don’t live on toilet seats, but we cleaned those too.

And then the poor baby. I found an “at home remedy” for him: Vaseline. We put that in, looked through his hair, and found nothing. Great right? Well, have you ever tried to get Vaseline out of a baby’s hair? Poor kid has had his hair washed 6 times so far, and he still looks like a grease ball.

I’ve probably learned more about lice in the past two days than anybody ever cared to know. Did you know that no one can even track the origin of a louse? They’ve been around since the BEGINNING OF TIME. Did you even know that a singular lice is called a louse? Anyway, the conclusion I came to was this:

Our kid wasn’t the dirty kid in class. She wasn’t the creepy one sitting in the corner with cooties. Lice actually like clean hair too. And kids are kids. They play with each other’s hair, they share hats, and they’re more susceptible to lice than adults. So, when one kid gets it, they all do if it’s not caught early enough. And they’re a bitch to get rid of. Even if you kill the lice, the fuckers leave behind little eggs that hatch 10 days later. All I know is that if Oliver ever gets it when he’s old enough to start school, screw all the chemicals… he’s a boy – we’re shaving his damn head!

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