Pregnant chicks. They’re irrational. They’re crazy. They don’t know which way is up. Tell them that, and it’s likely you’ll get a glimpse of what World War III looks like. But maybe that’s what you’re trying to do…
A good friend of mine is pregnant, and she’s going through a lot of the same things I went through last year when I was pregnant. I love coming into work and hearing the latest thing she’s pissed off about. It’s kind of comical, actually…listening to all the shit that people say and do to pregnant chicks, without even thinking about it. I went through it…I’ve been there. And I’m not going to lie, it gets REALLY old. It’s almost like people are TRYING to piss you off…
Well, if that is in fact what you’re trying to do, here are some ways to get it done…
- Tell her she looks like she’s ready to pop. Or hatch. Or explode. Every woman loves it when you reference how large and uncomfortable she is.
- Ask her how far along she is…every time you see her. That’s exactly what she wants – to be reminded of how long she’s been this way and how much longer she has to go. I know, you’re probably just making conversation, but seriously…do you really even give a shit?
- Touch her belly. Oooh, that’s a good one. It’s so funny how if someone is not pregnant, it’s unheard of to reach out and inappropriately touch her belly. But because it’s bigger now, all of a sudden it’s okay to put your grimy paws on her and make her feel uncomfortable. Trust me, she will punch you in the face eventually.
- Give her your opinion on all the decisions she makes regarding her new baby. If she tells you she’s finding out the sex, give her ten reasons why it’s better to wait. Tell her she’s being impatient. If she tells you she wants a girl, tell her why boys are so much better. She loves listening to your opinion…NOT.
- Name the baby for her. I remember when I told my mom’s douchebag ex-boyfriend over dinner that I was naming my baby Oliver… He said, “WHAT? No, kids will make fun of him!” You have no idea what it took for me to NOT crawl over the table and punch him in the dick.
- Give her your best parenting advice. Talk about how the way you did it is the only “right” way. Especially if you’re her mother-in-law. She loves listening to you.
- Say shit about what she’s eating. Tell her she shouldn’t be having that caffeine. And she should take more vitamins. Or better yet, use the “Damn, I see you’re eating for two” line. That’ll get her.
- Reference her “pregnancy brain” and hormones. Yes, tell her she’s a dumbass because she’s pregnant, and she’s irrational because of her hormones. She’ll tell you where to shove it.
Pregnancy is for the birds. It sucks, and we all know it. Every pregnant chick is on a race to get to the surprise at the end of it. So go ahead…make it worse. She’ll love you for it.