5 Steps to Getting a Blow Job on Valentine’s Day


imageWomen are hard to buy for. Trust me, I know. I’m a woman. I have a hard time even buying something for myself. And it seems like men always find a way to screw it up. (It’s not your fault guys, it’s just the way we are.) We all know that whatever you buy for that beautiful lady in your life can either land you sleeping in the dog house or getting the blow job of the year. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I would give you a few tips to make your shopping a little easier…and give you a happy ending. 🙂

  1. Don’t wait until last minute. If you go out on February 13th and scramble to find a gift, she will know. You’ll come back with the chocolate heart from Walgreens (or whatever they still have left) and she will think you put absolutely no thought into it.
  2. If she gave you a list, for Christ sake, USE IT! So many guys get a handwritten contract guaranteeing them a BJ, and they don’t use it because they think she’d like something else better that isn’t on the list. Trust me, if she liked it better, it’d be on the fucking list.
  3. If you agreed on a dollar amount, DO NOT GO OVER THE DOLLAR AMOUNT! A lot of financially savvy couples agree not to spend over a certain amount on each other. And they are supposed to stick to it. But if you think you are being sweet by going over the dollar amount to get her something nicer, all you are really doing is making her feel like an asshole for not going over her dollar amount. BUT, you better spend every penny up to that amount. Annnnd, if she goes over her amount, tell her how sweet she is. I know, it’s a double standard…deal with it.
  4. Do not, under any circumstance, buy her something for the house. I know, the last time you were at Walmart together, she pointed out a $400 Dyson vacuum that she really wanted. That DOES NOT mean that she wanted it for Valentine’s Day. Or Christmas. Or her birthday. Unless you have a notarized piece of paper that says “Buy me a vacuum for Valentine’s Day,” then just don’t do it.
  5. Use your brain! I mean, really put some thought into it. Don’t just buy her flowers and bring them home. Send them to her work so everyone can see how much her man loves her. Or better yet, hand deliver them. Don’t just buy a necklace, buy one that means something. Maybe it’s engraved with a special note or symbolizes your relationship or something that’s important to her. I know you like to make us think you do all your thinking with your penis, but we all know you do have a brain. Use it.

It’s important to remember that Valentine’s Day is about you and your lady. It’s about your relationship. Maybe she has been asking for a Mother’s ring or something, but save that shit for Mother’s Day…maybe you’ll get TWO BJ’s this year.

I know…shopping for a woman sucks. And it’s hard. But it’s really not THAT hard, as long as you know what NOT to do. You can choose whether follow these rules or not. But it might mean the difference between getting the blowey of your life or sleeping in the cold with the dogs. Are you willing to risk it?

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