Pregnancy. Not all Sunshine and Rainbows.


imageI remember the days when I said I would NEVER have kids. EVER. Some of my friends and family had kids, and they’d tell me how much they LOVED being pregnant. Oh it was so fun. It’s amazing. Something you will regret if you don’t do. Yada, yada, yada… Are you kidding me? Your fuckin ankles turned to cankles and you look like you’re about to burst if you sneeze the wrong way. That sounds real amazing. NOT.

But, after so many stories, I believed them. Holy shit. Why did I believe them? Yep, I wanted Ollie, and I am so glad he’s here. But that little fucker owes me BIG TIME! He’s got no clue what I went through. What every mom has to go through.

The back pain. The boob pain. Peeing every five minutes. The stretch marks. The puking…oh how I hate puking. The CONSTANT hunger.

People touching my belly everywhere I went…even people I didn’t know. Sorry creepo, it’s not okay to touch me when I’m not pregnant…so what part of me being a fat, hormonal pig makes you think I want you to touch me now? Keep your grimy paws OFF!!

Not to mention my husband now thinks having sex with me is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (Not really, but I’m still pretty self-conscious about it.)

Then after I had him, I got a rash called PUPPP. Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy. (Say that shit five times fast.) Holy mother of Moses, did that itch!! Omg. I thought I was going to scratch my skin off. No kidding, I looked like a crackhead with sores all over my body.

And then came the constipation. I won’t get into details, but you moms who had your HooHa ripped open by a little tiny human coming out of your insides, you know what I’m talking about…and the hemorrhoids. Oh what fun.

So, I’m here to tell you…Pregnancy is NOT all sunshine and rainbows. It’s not easy. And it’s not fun. Anyone who says it is clearly needs a psych eval.

But all those psycho moms that said it was fun…they had one thing right. They said I would regret it if I didn’t do it. And yes, that part is true. It was BY FAR the hardest thing I have ever endured, and probably one of the hardest things I will ever do. Quite frankly, it sucked balls. But I’d do it all over again if it meant that I got another beautiful baby outta the deal. He was my light at the end of the tunnel.

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