I Pee My Pants When I Sneeze…

As I awoke this morning, I could hear my son over the baby monitor…screaming. He was hungry. I made myself crawl out of bed, and stumbled up the stairs to make his bottle as quickly as I could. My son crying is the worst sound I’ve ever heard. All I want to do is comfort him as fast as I can. As I’m running the water to fill up his bottle, it hits me…I HAVE TO PEE!! In all the distress, I forgot to pee when I got out of bed. I’m doing the potty dance while trying to mix up the formula. 6 ounces, three scoops of formula, lid on, shake it…RUN!! I can’t hold it like I used to. I go running to the bathroom, baby bottle still in hand. Then it happened…I sneezed.

015-cartoon-girl-needs-to-peeMOTHER EFFER!!! I peed my pants.

Are you kidding me? Before I was pregnant, I could hold it ALL EFFING DAY! I remember being at work, and I literally would not pee all day. I’d wait until I got home to my own bathroom, so I didn’t have to use those nasty public restrooms. 8 glasses of water? No sweat. I got this. I could hold it. And oh man, I was the BEST road tripper. Half the time, I wouldn’t even go when we stopped just to see if I could make it until we ran out of gas again. I had a bladder of steel!

Then came Oliver. I remember being pregnant, and the little shit would kick, punch, and squish my bladder every chance he got. Then he got bigger, and I was up three times a night just to pee. I kept thinking, “Will you please come out of there so I can have my bladder back? So I can get back to normal.” ……….. Well, normal never came back.

So to all you ladies out there considering having children, also consider the cost of Always liners for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! You sneeze, you pee. You cough, you pee. Laugh too hard? Yep, you guessed it…You pee. Ah, the joys of motherhood!!


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